ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
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The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes