Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
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They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Aight bet
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.