me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
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My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My sex drive has a dui
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.