me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.