Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Got ya covered
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.