@SmartAzzPrick I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
@skickwriter Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
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@SmartAzzPrick 
@primawesome Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
@Cheeseboy22 If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
@mrsjohngoodman Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
@Tw1tter_K1tten “I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
@XplodingUnicorn In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
@rusty_coach My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
@CulturedRuffian ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
@CulturedRuffian Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
@bobvulfov genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now