Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

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I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.


Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.


If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.


Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok


In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family


My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old



🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶


genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now