I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
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Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now