me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.