ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
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Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!