Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
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In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Me, flirting😏
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.