Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
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Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
PER MY LAST EMAIL
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.