Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
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You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I used to be married, but I’m better now
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.