ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
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Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.