Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I really had high hopes for this year though
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.