I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
You Might Also Like
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*
Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”