@notfaizzy

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

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@eminmien

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

@Jackson5toLife

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

@AimeeHelene1

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

@SlappNuttz

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

@ch000ch

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

@elizaskinner

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

@beccafacexo

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

@Marlebean

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

@KyleMakesStufUp

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”