Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
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[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Spa day..😅
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You