me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
You Might Also Like
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: howâs Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
⢠difficult to find someone cool
⢠their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
⢠easy to find rats
⢠they will never complain about what you make for dinner
⢠people will NOT ask to stay over
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
If anyoneâs interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, Iâd highly recommend my nieceâs middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
If I ever tell you to âBe the ball,â Iâm not coaching youâŚIâm preparing you for my nine iron.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Do you ever look at someone and think âgod, youâre so amazingâ I mean even when theyâre sleeping and youâre hidden in their closet…
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? đđđ
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.