I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
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“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun