@CCRuns I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
@jonnysun me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
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@CCRuns 
@goldengateblond “She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
@ceejoyner The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
@UncleDuke1969 Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
@RejectedRedhead I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
@JermHimselfish *stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
@Cheeseboy22 My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
@WifeEyeSignal Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
@dadinabearsuit The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
@ShortSleeveSuit Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun