Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
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Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
asked my bf how work was today
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?