Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

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[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water


Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.


Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.


” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”



The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.


me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so


cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly


Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐


Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.