me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
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I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY