me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
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Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
accurate
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
The cashier just checked me out.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.