Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
You Might Also Like
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Damn what did I do next
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?