Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
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Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.