me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
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Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
“OMGJK” -atheists
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Hot Hot Hot
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.