Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
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my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
me working on my assignments ^-^
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.