ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
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Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Wait for it
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.