Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
My love language is hissing.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON