me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
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*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Catercrombie & Fish
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.