Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
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judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.