me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
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I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy