ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
You Might Also Like
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.