Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
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Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.