Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
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Somebody needs to get my shit together.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night