Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
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[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.