Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
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[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
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I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.