Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
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When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
We cut our bangs at dawn.