Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
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Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
This makes total sense…
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.