Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
You Might Also Like
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting