Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
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Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.