ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
You Might Also Like
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706