Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

We need more people like this.

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

Art by Pastelkatto

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

Fluff me with a fork baby

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that