Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.