me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
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Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Bros before Ohioes
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows