me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
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[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
What the dentist sees
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy