me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
You Might Also Like
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide