me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
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Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?