If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.