@PhuckinCody

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

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@whatmaddness

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

@UnFitz

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

@JoParkerBear

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

@SvnSxty

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

@roastmalone_

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

@3sunzzz

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

@whereami18

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

@jakob_huber

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

@DannyZuker

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.