ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
You Might Also Like
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Ah yes. The three genders
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)