Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
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When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Well, this explains it:
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”