Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
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My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Yes my dude
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed