Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
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i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”