Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
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me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
2022: I can fix it
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.