me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
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“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]