me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
You Might Also Like
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!