Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
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“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.